


The Foundation Starts To Crack

by mysticanni



Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Queen (Band)
Genre: Difficult Decisions, Smile (Band) Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-14 17:47:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29050137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mysticanni/pseuds/mysticanni
Summary: Tim has a difficult decision to make.
Comments: 14
Kudos: 16
Collections: Tim Staffell Appreciation Weekend 2021





	The Foundation Starts To Crack

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt - Leaving Smile 
> 
> Title from "Steam Rising" by Murder By Death
> 
> I'm not very good at real life (in all sorts of ways) so I've probably got timings and things wrong - I would suggest avoiding this if lack of accuracy will distress you. :)

Tim watched Freddie’s pencil moving swiftly across the paper conjuring an astonishing likeness of Jimi Hendrix. He was surprised to find that he felt slightly jealous. He could replicate someone’s face on paper too, he knew. He could sketch in the shadows that revealed the curve of their chin or the hollows of their eyes.

He could do it but he preferred not to. He preferred cartoonish representations of faces to realistic portrayals of them. He suspected other people regarded what he did as inferior – thought that he had less talent – and he wondered if that was the source of his jealousy. Was he insecure about his own art and therefore envious of Freddie’s obvious skills?

Tim sometimes felt as if the whole world was confidently working towards their clearly defined goals. He knew there must be others who, like him, were unsure of their direction in life. There must be others floundering along wondering if they were doing the right thing – wishing something would happen. Yet everyone he knew seemed to have very fixed ideas about what they wanted to achieve.

He wasn’t sure what Freddie wanted, he realised. He was slightly scared to ask though in case Freddie, too, had a crisp vision of the future and he was taking carefully thought out steps towards it.

He had thought he was on the right track with the band when they had actually recorded some songs. It had been so exhilarating. Roger’s excitement had been contagious. Even Brian – who was always so level-headed - had been quite giddy.

But then – nothing had happened. No single had been released. They hadn’t even had a gig at a pub recently. 

Brian had suggested they should be patient. It would all work out, he said. Roger had been as impatient for action as Tim but had also been his usual upbeat and sunny self and had seemed as sure as Brian that – in time – they would be launched to an instantly devoted and adoring public and become huge stars. 

But how much time had to elapse? How patient did he have to be? And did he even want an adoring public hounding him?

Tim sighed. A bell shrilled and he began to pack away his sketchpad and pencils. Freddie looked up, appearing startled. He had perhaps been too engrossed in his drawing to notice the passage of time. It was the last class of the day. “Do you fancy a drink?” Tim asked.

*

They went to a little pub near the college. It was a warm sunny evening so they sat outside with their pints. “What do you want out of life?” Tim asked Freddie.

Freddie laughed. “Straight into the deep questions,” he noted. He sipped his pint. “I want fame and fortune, of course! Wine, women and song – who was it that said that?”

Tim didn’t know. He didn’t know why he had expected a serious answer, either. “I feel like I don’t know where to go next,” he mumbled. 

“Perhaps fate will intervene,” Freddie suggested.

“Do you believe in fate?” Tim asked. He sipped his pint and tipped his head back, very aware of the tension in his neck. The sun was warm on his face. His eyes were closed but everything seemed golden.

“I think...Fate sometimes needs a helping hand...” Freddie murmured as if he was speaking to himself. 

“There’s still no word from the record company about releasing a single,” Tim sighed, “And maybe I’m a pessimist but I can’t help thinking it might never happen. So where do we go from here? Is there any future for Smile?”

Freddie had a curious expression on his face. “A lot of people would kill for the level of success you’ve already achieved,” he noted. 

It didn’t feel like a success, Tim reflected, that was the problem. It felt curiously like failure. If felt like stagnation. It felt like they had stalled. Any momentum they had possessed had gone. To Tim it felt like it was over. It felt like an ending rather than a beginning. Was it their fault? Had they not been good enough? “Yeah,” he sighed, “but...I don’t know...Just ignore me...I’m in a weird mood.”

*

They played in a pub. Tim felt there was something missing from the performance. Nothing went wrong but he felt it was mechanical. He didn’t say anything, however. Roger and Brian seemed satisfied with how things had gone.

He felt slightly distanced from them. He wondered when that had happened. It had been him and Brian. Then Roger had joined them and Tim had wondered how this new dynamic would work but Roger was easy to get along with. He was fun and positive and generous. Even when he flew off the handle he didn’t stay cross for long. It had worked well. They had felt like a close-knit group. But now Tim felt things had shifted subtly without him realising. He watched Brian and Roger laughing about something over at the bar and he felt like he was on the outside looking in. When had he become the outsider?

He told himself not to be so silly. All he had to do was speak to Brian and Roger and he would immediately be included. He was separating himself from them. Had he shifted away from them? When had that happened? He swallowed some of his pint and was about to join them at the bar when someone tapped him on the shoulder.

He turned and saw a vaguely familiar face. James? Jeremy? “Hi,” the person said, “I’m Jonathan. We met a few months ago at Kensington Market, you probably don’t remember.”

“I remember, yeah,” Tim nodded. “You had a regular gig in a restaurant, didn’t you?”

Jonathan nodded. “I hear you guys,” he gestured towards the now empty stage, “got signed? Congratulations.”

“Yeah,” Tim took a slug of his pint. “Not much seems to be happening now,” he muttered darkly. 

Jonathan seemed to hesitate for a moment then pulled a crumpled piece of paper out of the pocket of his jeans. “If you...I’m starting a new group with a guy called Colin Peterson...He was the drummer with the Bee Gees? And we are looking for a singer...We’re holding auditions...” He held out the piece of paper to Tim.

Tim drained his pint. His mind was swirling. He was in Smile. They had a recording contract. And yet nothing seemed to be happening with that. He glanced towards Brian and Roger. 

Was there any harm in auditioning? He might not even get the job. Even if he did, he didn’t have to take it.

He took the piece of paper from Jonathan’s hand. “Thanks,” he said. 

“Colin’s amazing,” Jonathan said enthusiastically. “I think we could really go places, y’ know?”

Roger was amazing, Tim thought. And Brian was a genius. Perhaps that was why they had drifted apart – because he was so ordinary. Maybe he was holding them back. Perhaps he was the reason their career wasn’t taking off.

Jonathan excused himself and Tim carefully folded the piece of paper with the audition details on it and put it in his pocket. Then he joined Brian and Roger.

The paper felt like it was burning a hole in his pocket. Even having taken it felt like a betrayal. Roger’s face lit up and he flung his arms around Tim. “There you are!”

“What would you like to drink?” Brian asked with a smile.

*

Tim listened sympathetically as Brian recounted the latest row he’d had with his father. “Maybe he’s right,” Brian concluded gloomily, “We still haven’t heard anything about a single. Are we wasting our time?”

“We’ll get there,” Roger told him. He sighed. “We better, otherwise I’ll have to fulfil my promise to my Mum and go back to college.”

Roger stared unhappily into his pint. Tim did not think he had ever seen Roger look so sad before. He gave him a clumsy pat on the shoulder. He thought about how lucky he was not to have such heavy parental pressure to concentrate more on his studies than music. That was because his parents had pretty much given up hope of him having what they would call a respectable lucrative career when he had embarked on an art course. Was Smile doomed no matter what action he took? Was this group living on borrowed time? Would Roger and Brian choose academic life instead of an uncertain future in the music industry? 

*

He felt guilty as he walked towards the room the auditions were being held in. He reminded himself that they might not want him anyway.

Jonathan greeted him warmly and introduced him to Colin who seemed friendly too. And when he sang with them it felt right. 

Sometimes when he played with Brian and Roger it felt like they were almost competing with each other – all of them showing off. And yes it worked but with Jonathan and Colin he felt at home.

He imagined it was how it felt to have an affair. He’d sung with another band behind Brian and Roger’s back and he had enjoyed it.

And Jonathan and Colin had asked him to join their group.

Could he do that to Brian and Roger? But would Brian and Roger leave Smile? Would they give in to the demands their parents were making? Where would that leave him?

Was this Fate?

Tim sighed. He wasn’t even sure he believed in fate. He thought of Freddie saying fate sometimes needed a helping hand.

He had wandered out of the audition in a daze and now found himself in a little garden at the centre of a bustling square. Traffic was roaring by on the roads on each side of the square but at the centre there was a fountain and an empty bench which he subsided onto. 

He had wanted something to happen.

Now something had happened and he wasn’t sure how he felt about it. 

Joining Humpy Bong – which was the name that Colin and Jonathan had decided on for their group – felt like a positive act. Staying with Smile felt passive – waiting for a future that just wasn’t going to happen.

He needed to take control of his life. A little voice in his head asked if he needed to take control of his life if it meant ruining Brian and Roger’s lives. Was he being selfish? And yet, neither Brian nor Roger seemed fully committed to Smile. They had other lives too. Brian especially was torn between pursuing an academic career and the band. How much would they consider him if they were thinking about leaving the band? 

Tim sighed. It felt like an impossible decision. He fished a coin out of the pocket of his jeans and flipped it – if it came down heads then he would join Humpy Bong – if it came down tails then he would stay with Smile. The coin shone as it spun around in the air. He caught it in his left hand and slowly uncurled his fingers – very aware of the burbling of the fountain and the chirping of the birds – of the growling traffic and of people chattering as they walked through the gardens in the square.

Heads – so he was moving on.


End file.
